You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
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You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?