[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
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[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.