HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
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one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Smooooooth
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Autocorrect completely socks
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.