I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
You Might Also Like
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
an octopus is just a wet spider
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.