#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
You Might Also Like
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.