me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
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Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
oh u like geography? name every lake
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.