911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
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People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
who wants to go expliring
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Who’s ready for Friday?!