“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
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Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.