Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
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[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I created you as mosquito food.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
thank god
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
SF is the wild wild west man
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens