By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
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doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.