Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
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It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
kids play hide and seek like
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?