Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
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[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Selfie
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Only a mother’s love …
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten