daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
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Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.