[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
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IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Cow it started Cow it’s going
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Basically.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.