Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
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25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house