Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
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I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!