My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
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*pronounces patio like ratio
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
“A little help here, Danny?”
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess