The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
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Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–