[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
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We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail