(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
You Might Also Like
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.