How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
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Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.