If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
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scenes of unspeakable carnage
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Thoughts
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…