George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
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Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Cha-ching is my safe word
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
That earthquake could have been an email.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.