Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
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This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.