Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
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Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
My first son he is wonderful
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I only eat vegetarians.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.