I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
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I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday