The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
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Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried