DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
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If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
when you are just born a rebel
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.