For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
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y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
My flabber has been gasted.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Canada has crack?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?