we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
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Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
dude it’s called proctologist
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
listen closely
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”