Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
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people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh