Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
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They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Herpes is trending, good job people
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.