That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
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No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
rapatouille
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.