Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
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Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Webb. James Webb.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.