Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
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The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I feel this so hard
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks