At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
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Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.