If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
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Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
i spent way too long on this
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.