me when i see my girls butt
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The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana