How does one answer this?
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*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much