“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
You Might Also Like
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?