Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
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Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I am having an out of money experience.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”