Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
You Might Also Like
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Denise please return my vape pen
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.