Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
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I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest