[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
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me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
this chia pet tastes awful
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax