*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
A dad and his duck
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
this is the news I live for
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭