Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
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Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon