You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
You Might Also Like
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
“You drive, I’m tired.”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!