I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
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All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
This could’ve been an email.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back