Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
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7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
When you don’t understand how floors work
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
how high up are we talkin’?
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies