My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
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Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together